


My Cat, My Cupcake and Our Guns

by Zaltia



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, borderlands!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-08 00:51:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3189650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaltia/pseuds/Zaltia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days everything goes right for ya. Some days you get stranded in the desert of a hostile planet with only a broody angry girl with a shotgun as your company. It's definitely one of the second kind. Borderlands!AU, aka Carmilla Characters on Pandora.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Cat, My Cupcake and Our Guns

 

Dad never taught me how to dodge bullets. Or fire a gun properly. Or how to patch up a gunshot wound that is bleeding, oh my god I'm bleeding. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to do interviews, do some investigating. I mean yes this is a death planet, but I wasn't supposed to be part of it. I was supposed to be safe, not surrounded by burning bus parts with lunatics ready to shoot through the thing just to make sure there were no survivors. As I lay on my stomach surrounded by burning car parts, I took deep breaths as I tried to remember how I got here.

 

* * *

"Echo Log numero uno. Greetings gentle viewers from the beautiful, well, mostly beautiful, scenery of Pandora! Now you may ask: 'Laura, what is a reporter like you doing in the middle of Pandora, the most forsaken planet in the galaxy?' Well I'm glad you asked.

I am under contract with the Dahl corporation to do an exclusive expose on life on Pandora. Now for those of you not in the know, let me fill you in on the basics. Dahl is a corporation devoted to technological advancements and research. Though if you have heard the name before, its' probably because you saw their name plastered to one of your guns. Even though they've produced such wonders as the Echonet and the EchoHuds, just like the one that they gave to me for free before I left for my trip thank you very much, they remain one of if not the largest producers of guns in the entire galaxy. Not bad at all considering the ferocity of their competition.

However, a few years ago a glorious opportunity presented itself to the galaxy as a whole. Pandora, a planet notable only for it's complete lack of sustainable life and complete lack of safety, appeared. Now normally you would pass on a planet that has a ninety-five point three seven percent mortality rate, but the higher upssaw something. There was potential here, and they swore they would make something of this place. And so they did. It became a place to send those without anywhere to go, to give them a chance at life, with only a minor certainty of death. It was a chance for a fresh start, and eventually word came round of the ultimate prize. Yes, my dear viewers, I speak of the legendary Vault.

All across the galaxy people flock to Pandora hoping to find and claim the Vault for themselves. They call them vault hunters. I call them badasses. One man, woman or space alien versus the entirety of the Pandoran wasteland. It's the greatest title that you can give to someone, and I really hope that I can meet one! I mean-I can't wait to...interview one. For posterity. Yes. Anyway, moving on.

From the frozen wastelands in the Southern Shelf to the daily lives of the citizens who spend their lives struggling to get by, I'll be here with my trusty Echo recorder, ready to deliver to you the truth, whether you're ready or not. But for now, dear viewers, I will take my leave. Next time you hear me will be from the town of Overlook where some citizens have arranged to give me housing until my project is finished. So until next time, good day and good news!"

I clicked off my Echo recorder and sat back in the bus. The warm Pandoran sun beat on me through the window slits as we rumbled through the desert. The bus itself was almost comfortable. Six rows of chairs lined the walls of the bus, though I was the sole passenger. Actually the only people on the bus were me and the masked driver. Said driver spoke nary a word nor syllable the entirety of the trip. It was a little unnerving to say the least, but I guess he was trying to keep up his 'stoic badass' persona.

I didn't really mind the silence though. I was positive that if I had opened my mouth I would have exploded with excitement. I've heard the stories, yes. I know that approximately 95% of the flora and 107% of the fauna on Pandora are hazardous and probably lethal. But this is my chance for a big break. A chance to expose the suffering that these poor people go through every day! I'm sure it'll help someone...somehow.

I reached down and fiddled with my necklace. Dad gave it to me along with my Echo before I left for here. He's always worried that I'm going to go out and fall down a well or something, so he gave me this. It's supposed to be a good luck charm, so I'm not supposed to take it off, no matter what. I fiddled with the little stone cone that dangled from my neck. It had purple veins that seemed to pulse running down its sides in a jagged kind of pattern. I thought it looked really pretty when I first got it, and I made sure to promise that I'd never lose it.

Eventually the excitement kept me from sitting any longer. I stood up from my seat, letting out a small yelp as the bus ran something over. In the corner of my eye I could see the body of a large dog-like creature fly past the window. It was huge and scaley with one more jaws than a normal animal should have. It was probably a skag, one of the more harmless Pandoran creatures. Carefully, I walked my way up next to the driver's seat. It was an old bus with rust marks and bullet holes everywhere, so every step felt like the entire thing would fall apart. Eventually I made it and turned to the driver.

"Hi there!" I said with a smile. A smile he did not notice, given by his lack of response. Undeterred, I cleared my throat and continued. "So, do you always drive this… shuttle thing?"

"No." He said, probably the first words I've heard since arriving on this planet. "The guy who usually drives this is taking a vacation. I'm just filling in until I can get transferred off this rock."

"Oh, you must be close to retirement then. Thank god you made it huh?' I said with a playful jab at his shoulder. "Betcha that makes you kind of a badass huh?"

His audible sigh hurt me a little. "Look, kid. I get paid to drive the bus, not to have polite conversation." He took a hand off of the wheel to wave me away. "Now go back to your seat and do… whatever it is that you do to keep yourself busy."

"Oh.." My face fell a little but I couldn't really argue with that. I turned to walk back, but snuck a look out the side window first. "Hey, is it just me or are there a lot of people out th-"

The earth-shattering explosion blocked out everything that happened afterwards. Suddenly my vision was fire and shrapnel. All I could feel was the impact after I crashed into the side of the bus, and the sharp pain as fragments embedded themselves in my skin. The last thing I saw before everything went black was the driver spasming in his chair before falling limp against the wheel, forcing it into a sharp turn.

And then the bus flipped.

* * *

I came to in a pile of flaming shrapnel and spilt gasoline. I whimpered and cried as I dragged myself through the sand towards the light. The bus had completely flipped over and the majority of the roof had been torn off. My heart was beating at over a thousand beats per second. I didn't want to die. I really did not want to die here. It would completely crush my dad if he found out that I died because of a stupid project.

So I refused to die. If this is what Pandora wanted to throw at me, then come on. I'm Laura Hollis! If anything, the inability to move my leg only egged me on to get out of here faster. So I crawled as fast as I could to the nearest opening from under the bus. Gasoline and fire burned my nose and clogged my lungs, but I kept going. The closer I got, the more I could notice the voices that surrounded the bus. By the time I was almost at the exit, I could make out words.

"I'm telling ya," A man, probably in his mid thirties, said, "All we gots to do it flip it over! Easy as your mum!"

"And I'm telling ya," another man, with a voice scratchier and deeper than the first, "That I don't want to get anywhere near it. There could be a vault hunter in there for all you know!"

"Yer telling me that a vault hunter is enough to scare you into being a tiny midget baby? Come on, just do what comes natural."

"Shoot at it till everything has to be dead?"

"Exactly partner." The exchanged was punctuated by the clicking of parts as their guns were loaded and readied. I felt my temperature drop a few degrees as my stomach sank.

And so we're back to where my story began. Trapped under a burning vehicle with approximately no way out. If I wasn't terrified for my life, I would probably be panicking or something. Adrenaline really does things to a girl, including giving her the urge to monologue as the vehicle she is under is being peppered with bullets. I closed my eyes as I was an inch away from sunlight and hoped for a miracle.

Thirty-one seconds later the gunfire stopped. Two seconds after that the screaming started, and the gunfire resumed. I opened my eyes and looked out at the shadows on the sand. The bandits screamed as they fired and flailed their guns around. From their shadows I could see them retreat back as a figure jumped back and forth between them. Maybe it was the adrenaline and blood loss messing with my head, but I could have sworn it was a giant cat. Eventually the shadows disappeared as I heard some failed attempts at escape. I held my breath as the heavy footsteps came towards where I was. My breath hitched as a new shadow stopped in front of where I laid. I curled towards myself as fingers wrapped around the edge of the bus. Then before I knew it the metal was gone. A heavy thunk behind me let me know where the bus went, at least.

"Well what do we have here," a sultry voice muttered above me. I slowly looked up, facing whoever this was. She was tall, at least taller than me I guess, it's hard to tell when you're on the ground. She wore black combat boots that were heavily worn by sand and gravel. Her jeans were just as sandblasted, pale patches over the parts that weren't outright torn up. Weirdly enough they were pretty destroyed from the knees down, the fabric tapering into torn strings that frizzed at the edges. She had on a black tank-top that managed to be more shredded than her pants while maintaining her modesty. Through the holes and gashes in the fabric I could make out pale skin that had been tinted by the desert sun. What really drew my eye were the tattoos that ran up her side. From what I could see, they were a beautifully intricate design that almost looked like writing to me. It took me a bit, but I followed the tattoos up to her neck, where they ended in a very distinct crest by her jugular.

It was only then that I realised: she had been looking at me the whole time. And while I tried not to, I found myself gawking at her face. Beautiful ivory skin, cheekbones that could cut you if you weren't careful and piercing red eyes that were at the moment looking at me with a fusion of disinterest and hunger.

"Hey" I stammered out when my voice came back to me. The adrenaline was starting to wear off, so the pain in my leg began to come back with a vengeance.

"Hey." the goth girl said.

I held my breath as I looked at her, too much in pain to move, but too scared to say anything else. Then I noticed the large shotgun in her hand, a Jacobs model that looked straight out of some ancient western movie, and a large sword strapped across her back. I shivered, either from fear or blood loss, and tried to open my mouth to speak. I could only make an embarrassingly pained noise as my leg convulsed, causing me to flip over in pain.

The goth girl saw this and crossed her arms. Tapping her foot, she looked at what was probably a miserable sight before she bent down over me. Saying nothing she looked over it and pulled out a red syringe from her pocket. "This is going to hurt, so you'd better bite onto something, cupcake." I was about to let her know that my name was in fact not cupcake before she started manually removing the shrapnel from my leg.

I'll save you from the expletives that I screamed as she callously operated on my leg. With her bare hands, I may add. Needless to say, it was a horrifying experience and I would rather not describe it in detail. It ended with her jabbing me in the leg with the syringe. It burned at first, but then it became sort of pleasant. Within seconds my leg looked like new, and I moved it around to check.

"I...thank you." I said. "I don't know how I'm going to rep-" Annd, she was gone. I looked up during my thanks and she was already across the way, looking at the disheveled wreckage of the bus. I stood up, far easier than expected, and walked my way over there, trying not to break my leg again. "Hey, what are you looking at?" I asked.

"Anything valuable." she was kicking the flaming wreckage with her foot. "Dammit. Nothing."

"What are you looking for?" I asked, hobbling over to the girl. It was surprisingly easy considering I was bleeding out a minute ago. "I mean if there's anything I can do to help, I'- why do you keep walking away from me?" I called out to her after she walked away again.

"Why do you keep asking me questions?" she said, not turning to face me. She stomped up towards the bandits that… probably were less whole than they were supposed to be. "Damn. Hey, cupcake. Since you like questions, here's one for you. What the hell was in that bus?"

Cupcake again. I wonder if she's just really hungry or something. It could be worse though, I mean, at least I like cupcakes. And I'm pretty sure she's burning a hole in my skull with her eyes. I swallowed and looked at her, trying to come up with an excuse.

"Um, well. See, there wasn't really anything in the bus." I said. Her gaze sharpened. "The, um. The only thing there was...me." Now she was practically livid. "I… I think I may have said something wrong. If you'd kindly tell me where, I'd be glad to-"

"What do you mean 'there is nothing here' ?" she said getting louder. She started pacing back and forth, fingers on her temples. "I specifically- Ugh, are you kidding me?!" Throwing her hands in the air, she let out a gruff cry of frustration. She paced over to a dead bandit and kicked him in the head with an audible crack.

I yelped in a matter that was in no way terrified and jumped back. By the time I looked up the goth girl was already starting to walk away again. "H-hey wait! Where are you going?" I called out to her, running after her. Thankfully the pain in my leg was gone, I'll have to properly thank her for that. It took a little bit because of her long angry steps, but I eventually caught up to her. "H-hey." She didn't even look at me as she continued stomping through the desert. "Wait, I feel like we have gotten off on a completely wrong start. I mean I don't even know your name."

"It doesn't matter, creampuff." she said with a slight snarl. She threw me a side-eye that almost stopped my heart. I had never seen pupils that red and piercing before. "I'm in a bad mood, and I'm not up for a tea party. Now, would you kindly get lost before I eviscerate you?" I'm sure she was going to break her teeth due to how hard she was clenching her jaw.

I gulped and hung back, giving the clearly angry and dangerous woman her breathing space. "I'm sorry. I just, I mean I'm not from around here. That bus was supposed to take me to Overlook, and well. It's hardly fit to be called a bus now, let alone take me anywhere."

"Mmhmmm" she grumbled, drawing out the second part a bit too long. "And, all of that. That is my problem...how?" she idly spun the shotgun around her finger before holstering on her back, crossing over the sword.

"I.. I mean it's not." I said. It felt stupid thinking about it, but. "I just thought. Okay, this was not how I meant to start it, just. I…" I swallowed, already regretting what I was about to say. "I have no idea where I am. I have no idea how to fight. I have no idea what I'm going to do now and I was just trapped under several hundred pounds of burning metal until.." I swallowed. "Until, you saved me. So, I need help. And I was really hoping that… you know, that you'd, keep me from dying until I made it to Overlook. Or something like that." I must have been beet red at this point. But my dad always told me: 'Laura, sometimes you have to swallow your pride and just ask for help, or a bigger gun.' A bigger gun was definitely not going to get me out of this situation.

She stopped after I finished talking. I held my breath as she stood, the only motion being her long black hair whipping around as the winds picked up. Then her shoulders lifted and dropped as she exhaled a long sigh. "You… you really aren't from here are you?" she said in a droll tone of voice. "You actually… meant that. God what is wrong with you."

She turned towards me and sneered. "Look, I don't know where you come from, but here's the deal. You are on Pandora now." She walked up to me, and looked me in the eyes. The longer I looked into the two crimson orbs, the smaller I felt until I was a tiny mouse looking up at a ferocious panther."The second you step foot on this god forsaken rock, you are on your own. No friends, no daddy to save you. No Gods, no masters. All you have is yourself and the gun in your hands. And looks like you don't even have that, cupcake." She dropped me and I fell onto my butt. "Look, in another time, another place, maybe I'd try helping you. But this is reality, and reality isn't nice. Grow up a bit and maybe you'll see what I mean. If you make it to that point at least." She turned from me and walked away, leaving me alone in the desert with nothing but my thoughts and my EchoHud.

* * *

It was a few hours later, and the sun was starting to go down. My legs were sore all over again from walking. My face was probably dark with dust, I had sand in places I didn't want to think about, and I could have really used something to eat. But I continued my journey through the desert, completely undeterred and about 20 feet behind the moody tattooed girl.

Alright, so she told me to get out of her sight, but what else was I going to do? I have no idea where to start walking, and she was the first human being that I've seen that has not taken a shot at me. Also, what she said still bothered me. I spent a decent portion of the trip thinking about it, and I came up with quite a few things to say to her. At least, I would do it when I get the proper amount of courage to try talking to her again because she terrifies me.

Still, I started to wonder where she was going. Odds are, she probably was wandering through the wilderness or something. I had to hide behind a few rocks every so often, just to make sure she didn't notice me. Thankfully, I have read every detective book in existence. Twice. There's no way that she noticed me following her.

Eventually we came into what appeared to be a small town. How much of a town it actually was could be up for serious debate. There were piles of scrap metal that had been tied together into little 'houses'. Dumpsters aligned the sides of the buildings, each with a large variety of trash and… ammunition in them. I almost started poking at them when I heard a commotion ahead of me.

"Hey there, little lady." a bandit with a gruff voice said through a red mask. "What's a pretty young girl like you doing all by her lonesome?"

I peeped my head around the building and saw goth girl, and I saw the men who surrounded her. There was at least ten of them, all armed to the teeth. The armored ones carried assault rifles and the half-naked ones carried what looked like a rotary saw on a stick. They circled around her-well, the armored ones did. The psychos were jumping in place and hitting themselves in the head with their saw sticks. There was one in the center, taller than the others. He was probably the one that was talking.

The girl drew her shotgun, and immediately all the bandits drew their weapons. "Now hold on, girl." the center bandit said, hand on his rifle. "I was going to give you a chance to get out of this with your face intact, and I  **still**  will if you put that piece down."

She kicked at the sand beneath her feet. Pumping the gun she aimed it right at the bandit's chest. "Get out of my way. I. Am. Not-" She spat the last word onto the bandit's face. "-In the mood." I felt a shiver down my spine as she glared him down. She was shorter than all the bandits around her, but she had the presence of a giant. I could only imagine what it felt like being the one looking down her gun barrell.

"Hey, hey, take it easy. We don't want any trouble." He held his hands in the air, slowly backing away from her. "Look, you seem to be in a rush, so why don't you just go on your way." She raised an eyebrow in confusion but didn't lower her gun a bit. "Come on, lighten up, girl. We know when we're outclassed."

I gripped the edge of the building I was hiding behind as I watched the scene unfold. The bandits in the circle all had their guns pointed at her head, so of course she wasn't going to lower anything. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. From between another pair of buildings a bandit was emerging, a large sniper rifle in his hand, pointed at the back of the girl's head.

My legs moved before I could think. One moment I was hiding behind a wall, watching a potential massacre. The next, I was sprinting across the road, panting as I jumped at the sniper bandit. "Watch out!" I yelled at the girl who snapped to my direction. Her eyes followed me as I threw myself in front of the sniper. A shot went off and I went tumbling onto the ground.

It felt like someone dented my chest. As I fell to the ground my ears were ringing. I could vaguely make out the girl's voice before I hit the sand. Turning to her, I saw her looking at me, eyes wide and mouth agape. All that vanished in a heartbeat as her expression twisted into a scream of rage. Her tattoos started to glow as she fired the shotgun into the bandit that was speaking to her. Spinning on her heel she kicked another one in the face and grabbed a psycho by the neck while he was mid-swing. She slammed him into the ground and unloaded another shot into his face.

A loud rat-a-tat filled the air as the rest of the bandits opened fire on her. She snarled at them as the bullets flew towards her but flattened against an invisible wall. Her shield crackled as they fired impotently at her. She dropped her gun, which disappeared in a flash of pixelated data. Her tattoos glowed and she let out a fierce roar. A white blaze surrounded the girl and black cat charged out. It tore through the closest bandit, ripping off bits and pieces of him in a bloody mess. Atop the corpse, the cat growled, turning towards the remaining bandits . The armored ones ran away immediately; the psychos ran as well, except it was towards the vicious black cat covered in blood. They only lasted a few seconds, seeing as they had no armor, no clue, and decidedly no chance.

My vision was fading as the pain properly set in. I heard the sound of a gun dropping by me. Every breath was a struggle, and my vision began to blot from the pain. The last thing I could see before darkness took me was the cat. It slowly walked up to me and glowed with a soft light. Weird, I could swear I saw a hint of porcelain skin for a moment….

* * *

"Creampuffs!" I yelled as I jolted upright. My heart was pulsing at a hundred beats per minute and the room was spinning.

"Siddown, sweetheart." a familiar voice said from behind me. "The last thing we need is for you to pass out again."

I breathed in and out through my mouth, looking at everything around me. It was dark already and I was lying in a sleeping bag. My shirt was missing and I had bandages wrapped around my torso. Next to me was a small campfire with a few pieces of skewered meat cooking on the flame. I turned and saw the girl, sitting on a small rock. The moonlight shined down on her, giving her a subtle glow as she tinkered with my Echo. Wait.

"H-hey, that's my-" I started before I was cut off by a cough.

"Calm down, I'm just tweaking it a bit. Here." she said, tossing me my Echo. I snapped it on immediately and watched as a variety of bars and numbers flashed in front of my eyes.

"W-woah. What did you…" I said, absentmindedly reaching out to touch the holographic numbers.

"I switched it up a little. Turned on the HUD, moved a few things around." She shrugged. "Basic stuff really."

I sat there, gaping at the screens I could scroll through. "This is incredible… you're telling me my Echo could do this?"

"Yeah, there was a bunch of stuff hidden in there." She shrugged again and rummaged through her pockets. "Oh yeah, that reminds me. Here's your necklace." She said, producing my dad's good luck charm.

"Wait, you took that off-"

"Because I needed to bandage up your chest. You don't have a shield, so you took the whole impact. Thanks to this thing though, you survived." She tossed it at me and I barely caught it. It seemed to be glowing brighter than before, and as I turned it over in my hands I noticed a crack that wasn't there before. "Somehow the shot hit you right in the necklace. It didn't break, so all you had were a few cracked ribs."

I nodded, holding the necklace in my hands. Dad wasn't kidding when he said it would take care of me. I slipped it back on my neck, watching as the little cone fell onto my sternum. "Thank you. For taking care of me." I said, looking to the girl. "Both times."

She looked away and let out a soft sigh. I smiled, glad she wasn't walking away from me this time. We sat there in silence for a little while before she spoke.

"Why did you do that?" she asked, voice quiet, if a bit hesitant. She looked over and must have seen me cocking my head to the side. "Take the shot for me. Why'd you do that after I let you follow me around for two hours?"

I snorted as I laughed. "So you did notice me following you. I told you I'd end up following you."

She rolled her eyes and lifted a leg to rest her head on her knee. "You're not answering the question, cu-"

"Laura." I said without thinking. She blinked at me, probably mimicking my expression. "My name is Laura."

She looked at me and something unreadable passed through her expression. "You're not answering the question. Why'd you save me?"

I twiddled my fingers. Why did I save her? She wasn't the nicest person in the world, and gave a horrible first impression. And I probably should've figured out that a shot wouldn't have hurt her… that bad. Well, okay headshots tend to be fatal. I held my good luck trinket in my hand and watched it glow.

"Because it was the right thing to do." I said, not lifting my head. I heard her stiffen. "It's something my dad taught me. Nobody deserves to get shot in the back. Doesn't matter how bad they wronged you." I swallowed and looked up at the girl with the shocked expression. "Even if this place eats kindness for breakfast, even if I'm just being naive." I laughed a little and she shifted. "I couldn't just let someone get shot if I could do something about it. You're included in that too. So, yeah. I guess that's why."

The girl just looked at me for a little longer before turning away from me. Silence fell between us again, so I went back to playing with my necklace.

"Carmilla." she said. I stopped and looked up at her. She was looking up at the moon, idly tapping at her leg. "That's my name" she said. "Remember it, cutie. If we're going to be travelling together, you should at least know my name."

I stared at her, mouth agape. Then the smile crept onto my face and I nodded. "It's a pleasure meeting you, Carmilla."

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this fic came to me fully formed after reading through a few dozen Carmilla headcanons with 'Ain't no rest for the wicked' playing the whole time. I'm both incredibly proud and embarassed that I made this. Hopefully someone enjoys it, and if you do let me know. Sooo, yeah. Thanks for reading!


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